Fast Forward!

It seems the re-occuring dream I keep having this year is that I could really use a magical fast forward button to solve situations that just require time, just a month would do..

The relationship ending needed time to resolve feelings, the looking for a place needed time for a good one to crop up and present itself to me, than the guy I like having to tend to a big family emergency put things off for a bit in the getting to know him dept.. Now he (the guy I really like) is really sick.. and also, I feel that I don't know exactly where I stand with him.. It all started just over a week ago, the day after we caught up. He said that he had fallen sick with what he believed to maybe be just a virus. As the following week passed, we caught up by chatting online which was going well. In one of our chats, he said that he has spoken about me to one of his friends and I asked how he'd deseribe me (like, what label he'd give me) and he said ''boyfriend''. I was taken back, as at that stage I had just been calling him ''the guy I like and am getting to know'' as he'd a few weeks before said that he wanted to go slow and couldn't rush things. I accepted the new though, why not? I like the guy and want to see where it leads.

Thinking that now everything was progressing between us, I was kinda happy, but of course I wished I could spend time with him. Now with the ''boyfriend'' label in his mind, I really felt more like wanting to spend time with him and do things we enjoy etc and just generally get to know him.. Than he chat to me the following night, and dropped a bombshell on things. He said that he really can't be in a relationship and that he feels that he can't give me what I need in a guy (fast text replies, more time etc) they were all things that hadn't really bothered me and I explained that to him. By the end of our conversation, he had said that I was his dream guy and he'd like to be with me eventually just not now. I was so totally cool with all this in the first place when we discussed it weeks ago, but this latest news made me feel like someone punched me down. As he said towards the end of the chat, ''things were going well with us'' and he said that he wished he hadn't said anything and he blamed the being sick for his brain being so messed up and confused.. I just felt so rejected. The next day I felt so sad and it took a few days to adjust and bring my mood back up, it kinda hit me hard, than he didn't talk to me for days which made me feel worse. I end up confiding in friends (which was awesome) and that helped me see some perspective.

Finally, on Saturday evening I found out why he hadn't spoken to me. I had been blaming myself for days (thinking that I came on too strong or something and blaming my responses to his news earlier in the week). In actual fact though, he explained just how sick he was and had been in hospital. Suddenly, the worry of him maybe not being keen on me, turned into just wanting him to get better and be back to enjoying his life. There is still the wonder though, of whats going to happen between him and me. Eventhough I know the situation with me is not too important to him at this stage, it still feels really important to me. I guess I just want to know where I stand, does he still even like me or think of me much anymore etc.? I feel selfish for thinking that, as what he's facing is more important, but I guess I can only think about me as he's not giving me much information on whats going on with him (how can I fully understand). I feel kinda shut out a bit, he has been online for the shortest chats ever and has blunt goodbyes that make me feel like I might be nothing to him anymore..

So this is where that fast forward button could come in.. I want to fast forward to find him better and back to his normal self and know that he will be ok.. I also want to fast forward to see if we'll ever be anything, or if he will even want to pick up where we left off and spend time with me when he's better and will it be of less importance to him now?. I know people say that it's exciting not knowing where things are going in the future, but I think everyone would agree that we all find comfort in knowing at least with 70% accuracy what's going to happen and right now I feel as if I only know maybe 20% and that scares me. I must really like this guy (to be so cut about him being sick/ not able to talk much etc), and that tells me that I should wait and see what happens. I have always hated the idea of leaving anything in life half done with ''what could have been'' rolling around in my head. I have to find out where this might lead and if its an end then so be it, if its not than it could be the most awesome love of my life- who knows?!..

To readers- Now if your reading this in the future, you get the pleasure of just going onto some more recent posts and see what happens, I'm so jealous of you :P